


Heaven is a Place on Earth

by signpainter1



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signpainter1/pseuds/signpainter1
Summary: After falling through the floor of an abandoned building, sixteen-year-old Ash Lynx wakes up in an apartment halfway across the world. There he meets a man who is supposedly his husband. Ash has no idea how he got there. Was he kidnapped? Did he fall into an alternate dimension?  Was he hallucinating on heavy drugs? Did he time travel? Did he die and go to heaven? What really matters is how he is going to get home.But does he really want to leave?
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 62
Kudos: 339





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Here's another story. So this was supposed to be a one-shot but it was too long so I split it into two parts. Then the first part was two long so I split it into three parts. I truthfully have no idea how long this story is going to be. Probably around 4-5 chapters?   
> Anyway, just a warning this story references Ash's past. It's not graphic or anything at all but it's still there, so if that bothers anyone in any way don't read the story. Like always my stories are not beta-read so if you see any mistakes that bother you feel free to point them out.
> 
> Alright, on to the story!

The sounds of gunshots, metal hitting metal, and yelling vibrated around the small room. Ash swung around and punched someone in the face. Then he used that person to shove back two others who were fighting to get near him. Ash spun around, head butt yet another person trying to sneak up behind him. Through the wall of sound, he heard the faint click of a gun being loaded. With only a glance in the direction, Ash fired his gun, knocking his opponent's out of his hand. Ash Lynx was not having a good day.

The meeting, which had started off very promising, had quickly dissolved into a gang fight. They had met with a neighboring gang to discuss territory. The other gang leader had suggested using this abandoned building so that the cops wouldn’t find them. Ash had agreed. Now he wished he had been more selective. The building shook whenever someone stomped too hard. It was barely holding out during their fighting. He was surprised that the floor hadn’t given out yet.

As Ash swerve to kick down someone who was sneaking behind him with a metal pipe, he noticed the other gang leader standing a few feet away. The man looked dazed. Ash had smashed his head against the wall at the beginning of the fight. He was surprised to see the other gang leader still conscious. The man took a teetering step towards Ash and Ash glared at him. The other gang leader froze, uncertainty written across his face. He didn’t know what to do next. His gang was being taken out left and right and Ash hadn’t even been scratched yet. Ash smirked. It sometimes happened that neighboring gang leaders didn’t take him seriously. They thought that a sixteen-year-old wouldn’t be able to fight skillfully and could be easily scared off. They were wrong of course.

Ash hit down two other men and turned to glare at the remaining men. The fighting was dying down. The other gang, realizing that they were losing hard, started their retreat. Dodging around Ash’s men they charged the door and barreled down the steps. Ash watched them go as he caught his breath. The air wasn’t good in here and he felt lightheaded from all the fighting. A sound behind him made him turn. The other gang leader was dragging himself to the window. Then, without slowing, threw himself out into a nearby pond. Ash and some of his gang members watched as the man doggie paddle to land. Laughter filled the small building. Ash’s gang hurdled insults and jeers down at the retreating gang leader. Ash took a step away from the window and turned to his men. They instantly stopped speaking, giving Ash their undivided attention.

“Bones, Kong, go see where they are hiding,” Ash commanded. The two nodded and darted down the stairs. Ash turned to the rest of the gang. “Let’s move out. This building looks like it’s going to collapse at any moment. Regroup at the base.” A course of “yes boss” filled the air as the men began to file out. Ash watched them troop towards the door before putting away his gun with a sigh. They had one, yes, but this was far from over. They would be back and probably start playing dirty. Men always did when they felt outmatched. Ash had hoped this meeting would go well and he would be able to sort things out before it turned to violence. Now it looked like they were going to be fighting for a while.

Ash suppressed another sigh as he began to follow his men. As his foot touched the ground, a long loud creek emitted from the floorboards. The next thing Ash knew he was falling. He felt the broken floor, hitting his arm as did so. The horrified looks of his gang were the last thing he saw before crashing to the ground. As his conscience slipped away from him, heard his gang shout his name and the sound of running feet. Then the world faded to nothing.

  


  


  


Ash opened his eyes with a start. He was in a dark room. The first thing he noticed was that, despite falling and injuring his arm, he didn’t feel any pain. The next thing he noticed was that he was on a soft surface. As his eyes adjusted, he realized he was in an unfamiliar room. It was small with posters on the wall and vanity in the corner. Ash thought he saw a bookshelf near the door, but it was hard to make out in the dark. From what he could gage the room seemed…homely. Ash didn’t usually use that word much in his life. Ash was lying in a soft bed. It didn’t feel like one of the expensive beds Golzine owned, but it wasn’t a cheap one either. As Ash listened for movement outside the room It was quiet. The only sounds he could hear were the cheeping of the birds outside. Ash searched around the room and located a window. Through it, he thought he saw the faint lines of sunrise. The morning was on its way.

Ash’s initial instinct was to get up, but he fought it. The best thing would be to not move. It was still too dark to locate any security cameras. Rushing out might alert someone who was watching that he was awake. Instead, Ash closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles. As he did, he began analyzing his situation.

It was morning. The meeting had taken place in the early afternoon. That meant he had been out for at least sixteen hours. He was in an unknown room. It wasn’t a room that his gang could afford so he guessed they weren’t behind it. They must have been the ones who retrieved him, but, sometime between going back to his base and now, someone else removed him. Since this wasn’t a hospital room Ash wondered if he was moved against the gang’s will. If Ash had to guess he would say that Golzine was behind it. If he got wind of Ash’s predicament he would have come and collected him. Ash grimaced. Since he wasn’t in any pain it meant someone had bandaged him up well. Dino would be able to afford such treatment. The next question was where did Dino take him? Ash knew every room in Golzine’s estate. This wasn’t one of them.

The bed creaked a little and Ash’s eyes flew open. Glancing to the side he could make out in the early morning light another person. Someone was in bed with him. Ash almost sighed in irritation. Of course, that was what happened. It wasn’t the first time he woke up in a stranger’s bed. He wasn’t under any allusions of what must have happened to him last night. It did irritate him that Dino had done that. Ash had been drugged before, but they were past that point. Besides, if Ash was injured bad enough to be out for sixteen hours, then Golzine would have placed him under his care until he was back on his feet. He wouldn’t want his plaything to break.

Through his irritation, a feeling of unease lurked. There was something off about this whole situation. If he was in bed with another man, and it was already morning, he should feel sore or dirty. He felt nothing but comfortable. Ash moved slightly so he could pull up the blanket a little to look under it. There was enough light now that he could see. He was clothed and his clothes were smooth and unwrinkled. The other man was also clothed. Ash frowned in confusion as he dropped the blanket. It didn’t look like anything happened to him last night, but then why was he in bed with this man?

The man in question mumbled something and turned over in his sleep so he was facing Ash. Ash was surprised to see how young the man was. Most men were at least in the forties, but this guy looked 23 at the most. Ash scanned him, trying to pick up clues on who he was. The man was Asin, maybe Chinese. If so, then this could be the work of the Lee family. Ash tried to remember where Golzine and the Lee clan stood. As far as he knew they didn’t like each other much. The man had long black hair that fell around his face. He slept with a peaceful expression. If Ash was being honest, the man was fairly attractive. There was a simple beauty to him that seemed to glow under the morning light, now streaming through the window. Of course, beauty didn’t mean much. This man was probably his captor. If Ash was lucky he was just being held, prisoner. If he was unlucky, the man had other things planned for him.

Ash took his eyes off the man and scanned the room. It was bright enough now to see clearly. As he looked, he found that there were no security cameras. That meant it was safe for him to leave. Slowly, he slid his legs out from under the blankets until he was lying on top of them. Then he sat up and shifted his weight, so he was on the edge of the bed. The bed creaked loudly underneath him. The other man gave a jolt and woke. Ash froze as a pair of dark brown eyes blinked sleepily at him. After a few seconds, they focused on Ash.

Ash’s heart sank as he tried to relax. The man wouldn’t be happy that he was making a break for it. Ash knew better than to fight him. Whatever would happen, would happen. If Golzine or the Lees were behind it, it would end badly for him to struggle too much. Ash didn’t want his gang or Shorter to be caught up in this, not if it only involved Ash. Keeping his face neutral he started back at the man, waiting to see what his next move would be.

The man slowly stretched out and gave a loud yawned.

“おはいよございます” He muttered sleepily. Ash wondered what he just said. He started to wish he had taken up Shorter’s offer to learn Chinese. Whatever the man said probably wasn’t that bad though. Surprisingly enough he didn’t look particularly angry to find Ash trying to escape, on the contrary, he looked intrigued.

Propping up his head on his elbow he smiled over at Ash. “You’re up early.”

Ash didn’t answer. He was quickly losing track of his situation. It left him feeling lost and disoriented. The location didn’t make sense. The fact that there were no security cameras didn’t make sense. The man lying next to him didn’t make sense. Ash had no idea what situation he was in and that unnerved him. He could usually pick up what was going on within a couple of seconds of consciousness. He knew he needed to get his bearings and fast or else he would regret it.

A hand reached out and touched Ash’s shoulder. Ash forced himself not to jump but only half managed. He straightened up and tried to pretend he didn’t just flinch. He kept his face neutral and forced his body to relax. Fear would only entice the other man. He didn’t want him to know how much this situation bothered Ash. He was Ash Lynx. He couldn’t have any weaknesses.

The hand quickly withdrew from him and Ash looked over to see the man setting up in bed. He was watching Ash with a confused look on his face.

“Hey, are you alright?” The concern in the other man’s voice bewildered Ash more. Why was he checking if Ash was alright? Why did Ash’s mental wellbeing have any worth whatsoever? The strangest part was that the man’s words didn’t seem empty. Both his face and tone conveyed the same amount of concern as his words. It didn’t make sense.

Ash could still feel where the man had touched his shoulder. For some reason, despite the initial shock, his body wasn’t reacting negatively to the touch. He hadn’t gone numb and his body wasn’t shutting down in preparation for pain. Instead, it stayed alert. It took Ash a few moments to figure out why. Although the man’s hand had touched him unexpectedly, it had felt soft and non-threatening. It had barely grazed him and didn’t try to invade the rest of his body.

As Ash thought this over, he realized that the man was still staring at him. Ash turned to observe him again. It was strange, how intensely the man’s stare was. It was like he was trying to peer into Ash’s soul. What was really strange was that his eyes didn’t stray to the rest of Ash’s body. It stayed fixated on his eyes as if he truly wanted to know Ash’s feelings. Ash felt almost human under the gaze like his emotions were valued. It really seemed that the man wanted to make sure Ash was alright. It was unsettling, to say the least. Ash couldn’t figure out what he could possibly gain from knowing Ash’s wellbeing.

“Ash?” the concern in the man’s voice was growing. Ash realized he hadn’t answer.

“Nothing’s wrong. Just a bad dream.” He tried to force a nonchalant smile. Tried to remember how he should act. He would hold his ground, show no weakness. To his surprise, the other man’s eyes filled with sadness and understanding

“I see.” He gently removed his hand. “That’s why you flinched when I touched you.” He looked away. “Sorry.”

Ash had no idea how to respond to that. Matter of fact he had no idea how to respond to anything the man said. Why was the man apologizing? Ash showed weakness, surely, he was going to make him pay. The man’s motives made no sense. Ash couldn’t figure out what he was thinking or planning. What did he hope to get out of being nice to Ash? He must want _something_. Everyone always wanted something in return.

“Do you want to talk about it?” the other man’s soft voice broke through Ash’s thoughts. At these words, everything clicked into place. Ash stared incredulously at the man. He didn’t need to make it that easy. Why would Ash want to talk to him about it? It was now clear to Ash. This person was sent to break down his defenses and exposes his weaknesses. Golzine must need to know another way to control him. Ash almost felt better. Now that his motives were clear, Ash knew how to respond correctly. 

“Not really.” He said smoothly, shoot the other man a dazzling smile. He wanted the other man to know he wouldn’t break that easily. He wanted to get under his skin, irritate him. Ash expected to see a flash of annoyance cross the dark-haired man’s face, or at a moment of disappointment. Perhaps he would tense or ball his hands into fists. Instead of any of that, the other man blinked in surprise. He surveyed Ash for another moment before shrugging.

“Alright then.” He got up and stretched. “I’m going to go make breakfast. If you want to go back to sleep, you can.” He smirked at Ash. “I wouldn’t want the low blood pressure princess to lose his beauty sleep.”

And with that Ash’s surety shattered. Once again, he had no idea what the man was planning and therefore had no idea how to act. The man was standing there clearly waiting for some sort of response from Ash. Ash’s mind flew through different responses, trying to find one that fits this situation. When it came up blank, he did the first thing that came to mind. He stuck his tough. The second it was out, he felt embarrassed. How juvenile of him. Of all the responses he could do _that_ was the one he went with. The man had messed with his head by acting like he really cared. If this was a scheme by Golzine then it was an amazingly effective one. Now the man would treat him like a child.

The man stared at Ash for a moment then, to his surprise, through back he head and laughed. The sound vibrated around the room, pleasant and friendly. Despite knowing better Ash felt himself relax. The man stuck his tough out at Ash as he left the room. Once he was gone Ash curled his legs to his chest frowning at the door.

This man was a formidable opponent. He disarmed Ash in a way Ash had never experienced before. Usually, Ash could read someone’s intentions within a minute of meeting them. He knew what someone wanted when they were nice to him. He knew how to play to get something out of someone else. Ash could assess a situation and act accordingly within ten seconds of waking in a new place. He could put up his shield easily and keep himself from showing any emotions. This man had confused him which meant his shields were down. The situation was dire. This was basically a death sentence. He was giving information to Golzine that he didn’t want to give. Yet….

Yet his mind and body didn’t want to panic. Nothing the man did felt threatening at all. How was he supposed to respond to this new threat when he felt so relaxed? Ash was used to a few different kinds of “kindnesses”. There was the kindness of friends. He had that with Shorter. They may roughhouse and insult each other but had each other’s backs. There was the kindness of his gang. They respected and obeyed him. They would take care of him if he was injured, out of their loyalty as long as Ash stayed strong. Then there was the “kindness” shown by powerful men. This kindness was completely fake. They spoke words of love and protection, yet their eyes held greed and lust. The man however didn’t fit any of those categories. If Ash really thought of it, this form of kindness was closest to….

Griff.

Ash took a sharp breath in at that thought. Griff always looked out for him. His smile was gentle and kind. When he hugged Ash, Ash always felt safe. This man had a similar feel to him. But why was that? Unlike Griff, this man had no reason to be kind to him. When people showed kindness, they expected something in return. Ash swore he would figure out what the man wanted. He would not lose to him. Thinking over his options Ash decided the best thing to do would be to play along. He would let the man think he was getting to Ash. Then the man would let his guard down and Ash would weasel the information he wanted out of him.

With a new purpose, Ash put his legs on the side of the bed and got up. To his surprise, he found that he was a few inches taller. If that wasn’t mystify enough, he also saw in the vanity mirror that he looked older. His hair was slightly longer and his face less boyish. Ash squinted at his reflection as he traced a finger over his face. Did someone do work on him while he was asleep? How long had he been out? Ash took a deep breath and held it. He let his thoughts swirl in his mind for a moment before slowly breathing out. He wasn’t going to panic. The man probably knew what happened to him. He would get that information out of him as well. An angry growl emitted from his stomach and Ash put his hand over it. First, he would eat something for breakfast, then get the answers he needed.

  


“So you decided to get up after all?”

Ash stood by the doorway of a small kitchen, blinking in the sudden light. The man was cooking something on the stove with his back turned towards Ash. He had glanced over when Ash had entered and was now was pushing food around a pan with a spatula. Whatever he was cooking smelled wonderful. Ash never got a lot of homemade food. It was either food from a stand, or pre-cooked meals his gang heated up. At Golzine’s it was all tasteless rich people's food that Ash hated. Ash mentally scolded him. He was going to play this man, not actually fall for the game.

Ash casually sauntered to the table and sat down; his eyes still glued on the other man. Now that he was standing Ash saw that he was actually fairly short. His nightclothes hung off his thin shoulders as he worked in the kitchen. The man’s long hair was now tired back with a red hair scrunchy, His hair swayed each time he moved. Despite Ash’s best efforts, he found, once again, that he was relaxing. The man looked happy and carefree. He hummed a little as he took a pair of chopsticks and picked up a bit of what he was cooking. After giving it an experimental sniff he took a bite looking thoughtful. It was so mundane and casual that Ash almost smiled.

“I made something for lunch today so don’t go off and buy more convenient food.” The man clicked the chopsticks in irritation “Your bad eating habits will lead you to an early grave.” He glanced back again “Oh and I’ll be home late today. I have to help Ibe-san set up for the exhibit.”

“Your leaving?” Ash perked up. If he left, then Ash could do some investigating without the other man suspecting anything. It would also give him time to assess the situation and be more prepared for when the man returned.

The other man gave a small huff. “Of course. Just because teachers get summer vacations off doesn’t mean photographers do.” He took the spatula and, in one fluent movement, plopped the food onto a plate. He clicked off the stove and picked up the dish.

“Are you going to rub it in every single day? Such a drama queen.” The man spun around, and Ash got a full view of the apron he was wearing. Whatever Ash was thinking at the moment disappeared as soon as he took in the sight. It was a light pink apron with smiling shiny red hearts on it. The hearts were holding little tophats while happily doing the cha-cha around a slice of rainbow cake. The cake had a single candle protruding from it which, for some reason, was also beaming happily out at them. On the frosting of the cake in large glittery bubble letters were the words “Hot stuff coming through”.

It was too much. Ash doubled over in pearls of laughter. He had never seen such an absurd piece of clothing in his life, which was saying something since Shorter had worn some pretty crazy things. Despite himself, Ash had to admire the man’s courage. It took a truly confident person to wear such a horrific apron unapologetically. The other man pouted which just set Ash off again.

“Oh shut up.” he placed the food on the table and whacked Ash’s arm lightly. “I got it yesterday at the grocery store. It was on sale!”

“What, they didn’t give you that for free?” Ash snorted. The man huffed and sat down across from him.

“We’re having natto tomorrow.” He threatened.

Ash had no idea what that meant and, as he attempted to calm down, he realized the error he had made. Once again, the man had easily disarmed him. Ash knew he had to find something quickly to use against the man before he became any more vulnerable.

  


After a delicious meal, the man picked up his bag and put on his coat. Ash watched him from the table. The man hesitated, as if he was debating something, then called out something in Chinese. Ash lifted a hand and kept a smile plastered on his face until the door clicked shut. The second he was out of sight Ash sprang up and darted to the window. He watched the man make his way down the street. Once he was gone Ash got to work snooping.

An hour and a half later Ash had dug up quite a lot about the mysterious man. The man’s name turned out to be Eiji Okumura. He was a pole vaulter for a while but then, after an injury, quit and became a photographer. Currently, Eiji worked at a photo company with someone named Ibe. Despite looking 23 he had actually just turned 28. Apparently, he and Ash had been married for the last five years.

Ash paused at the last bit of information. This was unexpected. Ash would have known if he was married to Eiji for five years. It didn’t even make sense logically. That would mean he would have married a 23-year-old at the age of 11. Of course, maybe that’s why someone surgically changed his body, to make him look older. Ash couldn’t think of why they would do that. It seemed random, over the top, and unnecessary. Golzine would never allow it. He liked young-looking boys like Ash. He would do anything to keep Ash pretty and young forever. No, it clearly didn’t make sense. Ash continued his search hoping to find information that could explain things to him. After digging around a box of letters, he found one with the apartment's address on it. Ash scanned it over and his stomach dropped.

_Izumo, Japan_

Ash stared at the words. He was in Japan. That was halfway across the world. Ash started to file away the information in his brain. If they were in Japan Eiji was probably Japanese not Chinese. When Eiji said something it was in Japanese. Ash’s stomach lurched as he realized something else. This plot was not connected to Dino’s nor the Lee clan. Neither of them had any connections to Japan. New questions started blooming in Ash’s mind. Did he have an enemy he didn’t know about? What about the sudden change in appearance? Why was he supposedly married to Eiji for the last five years? Who the hell was Eiji anyway?

Ash shook his head. The search didn’t help at all, it just opened up more questions. Perhaps it wasn’t an enemy, perhaps he was on a really strong drug and hallucinations. Maybe Ash was lying in an ally somewhere with drool dripping down his face. If that was the case Ash needed to find a way to confirm it. Ash frowned, thinking it over. The whole thing felt too…real. It wasn’t that it just felt like he was at that apartment. It was the fact that he could think straight. He still reacted to being touched. He knew this was an unusual situation and wasn’t treating it as if it was normal. There was also too much information lying around. If this was a hallucination, then it was a really detailed one.

Ash frowned looking around. If it wasn’t a hallucination perhaps it was something supernatural? Ash never believed in supernational stuff before, but he had to admit this definitely made him question it. Too many things just didn’t add up. He was older and in Japan. Then there was Eiji. Why would someone set all of this up? Truthfully it felt like he had fallen into an alternate dimension. It was insane to think such things existed but if it wasn’t in the realm of reality then maybe it made sense. It would explain how Ash was older or was married. Ash decided, for now, he would go with it. This left him with two major goals.

First, He had to find out how he got here.

Second, He had to figure out how to get back home.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks so much for all the feedback. You guys are amazing! Here's the next chapter.  
> Once again there are slight mentions of abuse in this chapter. Nothing serious but if it bothers you please don't read. Anyway let's start the story!

Ash spent the next hours searching the apartment before stopping for lunch. Like Eiji promised there was food waiting for him in the fridge. It was as delicious as breakfast. Ash envied alternate Ash who got to eat such food every day. After he finished, he decided to go look around town. Izumo was a small town and everyone seemed to know him. They would wave and call out to him as he passed. Ash put on a fake smile and waved back. He hoped none of them would try to talk to him. He wasn’t sure if alternate Ash could speak Japanese, but he couldn’t. It was already dark when he returned. Luckily Eiji wasn’t back yet. Ash briefly pondered if he should tell Eiji about his theory but decided against it. He didn’t know Eiji that well and wasn’t sure how he would react to it. Eiji might think he was crazy. Eiji might believe and want his Ash back instead of an imposter. Either way, Ash thought it would be better to handle it himself. As long as he got home alternat Ash could deal with explaining things.

Ash wandered over to the bookcase and ran a finger along the books there, reading the titles. Somewhere in Japanese but a lot of them were in English. Ash was surprised at how many titles he recognized. He wondered if his alternate self was an avid reader or if Eiji was. He decided to check out one of the Japanese translated books. Ash wasn’t sure when the next time he would be able to read a book from Japan. He settled on a book called “No Longer Human” and started reading. It was interesting and Ash soon got lost in the words. He almost didn’t hear Eiji come home. The sound of the door opening startled Ash, but he quickly got his bearings. He watched as Eiji entered the apartment saying something in Japanese as he did. Ash observed him.

Now that he knew that Eiji was alternat Ash’s husband, he saw Eiji in a new light. He wondered how they met. He wondered why alternat Ash chose Eiji…or did Eiji choose alternate Ash? How did normal romances work? Was there marriage good or was it full of fighting? Did they have any friends? What did their families think of them? He doubted alternat Ash was a gang leader. He probably moved to Japan as a kid or something. There was no way Eiji would marry him if he shared the same background as Ash. It made Ash feel like an intruder, creeping his way into a peaceful family where he didn’t belong.

“Did you have a good day?” Eiji asked as he took off his coat. Ash shook his thoughts away and focused.

“Yeah,” Ash mildly, then after a pause, “you?”

“Pretty good.” Eiji put his bag on a shelf and turned around smiling. “Right let’s eat dinner.”

“What are you going to make?” Ash asked closing the book. Since both breakfast and lunch were so good, he was actually kind of looking forward to trying dinner.

“What _I’m_ going to make” Eiji crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think so.”

Ash paused. “You want me to cook dinner?” Fear crept up his spine. He had no idea how to cook. “By myself?” The last thing he cooked was some Chinese food at Shorter’s restaurant. As he recalled, Shorter’s sister had banished him from the kitchen after that.

“Of course not!” Eiji rolled his eyes. “I’ll help you. I don’t want you to burn down the kitchen or give me food poisoning again.”

“Oh,” That didn’t soothe Ash’s nervousness. If he was as bad at cooking as his alternate self, then he risked hurting Eiji. He really didn’t want that on his conscience. Eiji didn’t seem like a bad person and alternat Ash would be devastated to come back to a dead husband. He wondered if Eiji’s help would be enough to keep Eiji alive.

Eiji, noticing Ash’s uncertainty, smiled softly. “Don’t worry so much. You won’t poison me again ok? You don’t need to beat yourself up because just because I was in the hospital for four days after the last time.”

“Oh.....” Now Ash was very concerned. What the hell did his alternate self-do? Was it even possible to mess up that badly? Also the words “last time” didn’t comfort him either. How many times did Ash mess up and give Eiji food poisoning?

“It’ll be fine! I’ll be monitoring you the whole time. I promise I won’t let you mess up so badly that you poison someone, or you burn half the kitchen down again.”

Yep, they’re doomed. It was either going to end with fire or bodily harm. Eiji was sealing his fate. Ash tried to hide his absolute horror and nervousness. He was Ash Lynx after all. He had done much more terrifying things than cook. Even so, this was different. Eiji was different. Even if Eiji wasn’t really his husband the man had been good to him. It would be terrible if a good person like him got hurt because of Ash’s incapability.

“Ok.” Ash stood up making sure his face looked natural “Let’s cook then.”

“Great!” Eiji’s eyes twinkled mischievously as he led Ash into the kitchen and handed him an apron. “Put this one.”

Ash unfolded it to find the ‘Hot Stuff’ apron. “You’re joking.”

“You seemed to find it amusing this morning.” Eiji’s mischievous smile grew. Ash mentally took back his earlier thoughts. Eiji was nothing like Griff. Eiji was pure evil. Perhaps it would do him some good to be food poisoned again.

Ash sent Eiji a glare that would have sent his gang cowering. Instead, Eiji just laughed lightly and put on a plain green apron. Ash resigned himself to his fate and reluctantly slipped on the apron. Eiji finished tying his apron and turned to look at him. He took in Ash’s appearance and burst out laughing.

“Oh my god that looks so bad…..” he gasped between giggles. “You’re right…that’s…that’s….terrible…” Eiji became incapable of speech as he sunk to the ground gasping for breath as he laughed.

A wave of annoyance hit Ash followed by a wave of sulkiness. Ash didn’t even want to wear the stupid thing. This was all Eiji’s fault. Alternat Ash must be insane for marrying such a guy. After a few seconds however Ash couldn’t help but chuckle along. Eiji’s laughter was contagious. Soon Ash felt himself relaxing as he watched Eiji trying to get up from the ground and failing. A part of Ash’s mind was setting off warning bells, but he was starting to ignore them. Since an enemy didn’t set this up there was really no reason to be wary of Eiji. The Japanese man was just having fun. There was no harm in it. For the first time in what felt like forever, Ash allowed himself to laugh freely.

Cooking, it turned out, was more fun than Ash would have thought. Eiji was a good teacher and, as long as Ash followed exactly what he said, the kitchen stayed in tack. They talked lightly and Eiji told Ash about his day. Since the “Hot Stuff” apron was so horrid Ash refused to wear it. Now he was wearing a light blue apron which suited him much better. After an hour of cooking the apartment was filled with the sweet aroma of dinner.

They ate dinner together. Ash couldn’t remember the last time he had such a normal experience. As breakfast and lunch, it was delicious. Now he wasn’t worried about Eiji, he found the other’s company enjoyable. He was surprisingly easy to talk to. Ash didn’t need to pretend to be tough or put up a front. After dinner Ash helped Eiji do the dishes then they got ready for bed. While they brushed their teeth Ash caught himself wondering if this was how normal people lived. If so, he never understood how amazing it felt. Ash always slightly envied normal people but at that moment he wanted to be them so badly it hurt. Why did alternate Ash get such a nice life while he only had hell? He usually didn’t allow himself to feel these emotions. He usually didn’t compare himself or bemoaned his situation like this. The sudden change in environment really took a toll on his self-control. Without knowing it he was slowly reverting to a sixteen-year-old.

Ash’s good mood started to fade the second he crawled into the bed. He had forgotten that they shared one. It made sense because they were married but he was feeling uncomfortable about it. As Ash pulled the blankets over his legs, he watched Eiji get ready for bed. His mind started wandering down dark paths. What did Ash really know about Eiji? It was all fun and games while they were cooking and eating but now, in the bedroom, he felt suspicious of the other man’s motivates. There was no guarantee that alternate Ash and Eiji had a happy marriage. Perhaps they had good days and bad days. What if there was some toxicity to their marriage and Ash didn’t see? Eiji might turn out to be very manipulative. The bed was a vulnerable place and Ash had only known Eiji for a day. People changed at night. He saw it many times with different men. They acted one way during the day and differently in bed. Ash might be older in this dimension, but he was still very beautiful. There was no way Eiji didn’t want him after a long day at work.

A small part of Ash’s mind knew he was being unfair. He knew there was no hard evidence to support this theory. Most likely they were just a completely normal healthy couple, however, years of abuse don’t disappear easily. A larger part of Ash’s mind was pulling up scenarios of other times he was with strangers. Times where he had foolishly put his faith in someone he didn’t know and suffered from it. In the light of the lamp on the side table, the room looked like one of Golzine. Eiji seemed quieter, sneaky. Panic was starting to cloud his judgment.

Ash’s heart started pounded as Eiji finished putting on his pajamas and click off the lights. In the dark Ash felt the world closing in on him. It pushed against his eyes and chest suffocating him. He had learned many years ago to be wary of the night. The bed creaked as Eiji crawled into it and Ash’s anxiety shot up. He wasn’t ready for this. He had let his guard down too much during the day believing he was safe. The blankets rustled as Eiji got under them and Ash tensed. Something bad was going to happen. He knew it. If Eiji wanted something now, this was the time to claim it. If he was married to Ash surely, he knew how vulnerable Ash was in bed. Eiji could decide what they’d do, and Ash wasn’t sure if he could fight him, not with how confused his mind was.

Ash regretted letting down his guard. He regretted laughing freely and eating food in peace. He should have been preparing himself. He should have seen this coming. Of course, this was all Eiji really wanted. What else was Ash but a pretty face on a sexy body? Eiji had pretended to care all day in order to get Ash to feel like he owed him. Ash felt like a fool. He had fallen for it hook line and sinker. He should have done better. If he was at Golzine’s place he would be numb by night. It would make everything easier. Right now however he felt tight and sick. His chest hurt and he was breathing too quickly. His senses were on high alert and he was hyper-aware of his surroundings. This was the complete opposite of how he should be feeling. It would make every second of the ordeal more vivid in his mind.

“Ash?” Eiji’s voice wafted through the darkness. “What’s wrong.” Eiji’s face loomed closer. Ash felt himself drawback instinctively. Fighting the urge to cry out, he forced himself to relax. It only hurt more if he was tense. It only hurt more if he thought about it. Just relax, show no fear, and let them have a good time.

“Nothing, just do it. I know you want to.” Ash hated how scared he sounded. He hated this. He wasn’t this weak. He had been through this before. It was all Eiji’s fault for disarming him. It was all Eiji’s fault for letting him feel human all day.

The light clicked on, relieving Eiji’s startled expression. “What?” the smaller man scanned Ash’s face. “What do you think I’m going to do?” Ash didn’t answer. It was a stupid question. They both knew what Eiji wanted. Eiji scanned him for a few more seconds.

“Ash I would never do that to you, you know that! We’d only do it if you were comfortable.”

Ash looked away. There was no way that was true. Eiji was just playing with him. He wanted Ash to let his guard down. He knew how this game went. He had been here before. Eiji wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be his last.

“Ash, are you having a relapse?” Eiji sounded concerned again. “Look at me please.” Ash forced himself up to meet Eiji’s gaze. Angering Eiji would make this more painful. It was better just to listen and get it over with.

“Ash,” Eiji said softly. “Nothing bad is going to happen to you.” He paused. “Can I hug you?”

Ash had no idea why Eiji framed his command as a question. If he wanted to hug Ash, he would. When had it ever mattered what Ash wanted?

“Sure do whatever you want.” He shrugged hoping it came off as nonchalant.

Eiji frowned. “I didn’t ask you if I wanted to. I asked if I could hug you. Do you want me to hug you or not? You can say no.”

Ash tried not to roll his eyes. He knew what Eiji was doing. Golzine had done this to him many times. He would phrase his commands like a question. It made it sound like Ash had a choice and gave an illusion of freedom or control. Of course, there was always a right answer. Wrong answers got him hit. Golzine did this to give himself power over Ash. He acted like he was spoiling Ash by giving him a choice and used it against him when Ash tried to disobey him.

Even so at that moment Ash suddenly realized he didn’t care. He had let his guard down all day. He had been vulnerable. Now he wanted to put his walls up. He wanted to challenge Eiji. Ash didn’t want to give in. Who cared if he was in an alternate dimension? Ash was going to fight, just like how he had started fighting Golzine. He was tired of all this. He wouldn’t be Eiji’s plaything. If Eiji gave him a choice, well Ash would just have to make the wrong choice.

“I don’t want you to hug me.” Ash tensed waiting for Eiji’s expression to darken. He waited for the anger to take over. He waited for Eiji to raise a hand against him and yell. Eiji was smaller than him but he must have some way of keeping Ash in check.

Eiji looked at him with an unreadable expression. Then he nodded sadly and snuggled back into bed. With a sigh, he pulled the blanket to his neck and turned to look at Ash again. Ash was surprised by the gentle expression on his face.

“Ok, do you want to talk about it?”

This again? “No.” Ash wondered why Eiji would actually want to hear about his life. Why did any of it matter?

“Alright then, I’m going to read a book for the next hour or so.” Eiji picked up a book on the side table. “If you want to talk about it or cuddle just ask, ok?”

“Yeah,” Ash said faintly his anxiety slowly dissolving. That was it? Just say no and Eiji would leave him alone? When did that ever work? When did he ever actually have a choice? Ash felt overwhelmed. He had just defended himself without using power. He didn’t need Eiji to fear him to leave him alone. As his panic subsided, he suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to cry. Ash sniffed as he tried to wipe the tears away. Why was he crying now of all times? He never cried in front of someone else. At the sound, Eiji looked up from his book. Ash turned away ashamed. He heard Eiji get out of bed and turned to watch him. Eiji went to the closet and returned with a pillow.

“Here.” He handed it to Ash. “Try snuggling with this.” Ash looked away again his cheeks heating up. Great now Eiji knew how pitiful he was. Just a weak pathetic broken piece of garbage.

“Ash it’s ok to cry,” Eiji said gently. “You don’t need to be strong all the time.” His voice held no judgment. Ash curled up with the pillow and pressed it to his face. He could hear Eiji going back to his book. Hugging the pillow helped transfer his emotions into an activity. Soon Ash felt himself calming. After a while, Ash felt it was safe to uncurl from the pillow. He turned and saw that Eiji was still reading his book. Ash watched Eiji read in silence.

When the clock read 11:30 Eiji looked up at it and yawned. He glanced over at Ash “I’m going to try to get some sleep. Are you going to be alright?”

“Fine.” Ash’s voice was hoarse from the crying.

“Alright, try to get to sleep too ok? If you need anything just wake me.” He started into Ash’s eyes. “I'd rather you feel better than get a good night's sleep so don’t worry about me.” Ash started into those big dark eyes and knew Eiji meant every word of it. He truly wanted Ash to be alright. Ash marveled at how Eiji’s eyes always gazed into his and never down at his body. It made him feel human, treasured, whole. Ash nodded and Eiji clicked off the light.

The darkness once again surrounded Ash but now it felt safe and comforting. The bed shook a little as Eiji lay down and pulled the blanket to his neck. After only a few minutes he was fast asleep. Ash watched his silhouette in the dark slowly rise and fall with each breath. Ash wasn’t feeling tired at all. Instead, his emotions were still on high alert, replaying Eiji and his interactions.

Ash had overreacted. Of course, they had a healthy relationship in this dimension. Everything was better in this dimension. As he lay there in the darkness something Eiji said came back to him. Eiji had asked if he was having a relapse. He knew how Ash was feeling and why he didn’t want to be touched. That meant Ash’s past was either the same or at least very similar. This didn’t fit with his alternate universe theory. If Ash was broken, then why would Eiji want him? There was no way someone like Ash would be allowed, in any dimension, to have a good life. Why did Eiji choose him? Eiji was attractive enough to get a more suitable husband. Why go with a broken mess like him?

Ash frowned into the pillow he was hugging. Eiji didn’t make any sense. Even in this perfect world, he seemed to…pure. Ash doubted there were any humans quite like Eiji in any dimension. He knew what Ash was, yet he treated him like a human. He never took but always gave. He was kind and funny. There were only four types of people that existed in Ash’s world. First, the ones who tried to control him. Second, the ones who looked up to him as a leader. Third those one equal ground who had your back. Fourth, the normal people who wanted nothing to do with you. Eiji seemed like he was part of the last category, but he clearly wanted something to do with him. He put up with Ash’s freak out and stayed up with him to make sure he was alright. Eiji didn’t mind if he was weak. He seemed to like Ash just the way he was. Eiji didn’t feel real. He felt like an angel.

Ash blinked in the dark as his mind spun a new theory. What if he wasn’t physically here? What if he had died? Ash had fallen through the boards of an abandoned building. Maybe he didn’t wake up at all. Ash mulled it over. If that was the case, he would be in the afterlife, but that would make this heaven. Ash knew he didn’t belong in heaven. This couldn’t be hell though; angels didn’t belong in hell and Eiji was surely an angel.

Ash’s heart pounded at the thought. It was strange to be dead and still have a heartbeat. He briefly wondered if that disproved his theory but then again, he didn’t even believe in an afterlife until now. Maybe you still had a heartbeat in heaven. Maybe heaven was just like Earth only perfect. Everything else seemed to fit. After all, he never met a human who was like Eiji. Eiji gave without taking and asked permission before touching him. The world was full of people who wanted to crush him. He constantly needed to prove his worth in order to move an inch. Eiji didn’t care though. Ash had fallen through the floor of an abandoned building and now was in a cute little apartment in the middle of Japan with an angel for a husband. What else could he even what? This had to be paradise. Life never let him be happy and he was happy now, therefore he must be dead. Eiji was an angel who was sent to him to live as his husband. They were just playing house, but it made Ash feel so incredibly happy.

Ash knew he should be disappointed. He didn’t finish everything he wanted to do on Earth. He still owed Shorter money and wanted to get a new weapon supplier. His gang needed a leader. Arthur was still acting up and threatening to leave his gang. He wanted to get his revenge on Golzine. He still had that whole territorial war to deal with on Earth. Then there was his brother who was still on some sort of drugs and Skip who needed someone to look after him. Ash knew he should be curing his luck that, after surviving so much, a weak floor took him out. He really should be furious but….

Instead, he was just relieved.

There was no pain here. No more suffering. No more struggling. He could cry and show emotion without losing anything. He could do what he wanted. He had an angel watching over him. His words meant something, and he could control who touched him and who didn’t. He ate good food and slept in a comfortable bed. Apparently, he had a job working at a school. People around town knew him. There were no gangs, no mafia, no Golzine, no creepy old men, no fighting, and no death.

As Ash thought about it, he realized he really didn’t want to go back to Earth. Maybe if he was given a chance that would be different but if he was dead then there was no way back. This was his final destination. He was free. With that though he started drifting sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for now. I hoped you enjoyed it. I finally worked out the story and it's 5 chapters long (so much for a one-shot). I'll try to post weekly (though maybe sooner time permits). If you like feel free to leave a Kudo or a review. In these hard times, they really make my day.  
> Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here's the next chapter. A big thanks to everyone who reviewed. You guys are amazing!   
>  I hope Ash is alright in this chapter. I couldn't tell if he was a little out of character at times but since he is a 16-year-old in a really uncertain situation I think it's fine.  
>  Like the previous two chapters, there are mentions of Ash's past. This one is a little worse than the other two, but it's still fairly mild. Also like always it's not beta read. 
> 
> Well with that out the way let's continue the story! How will Ash fair now that he thinks he's in heaven?

Living in heaven was both amazing and terrifying. It was amazing because every moment felt treasured and pure. Eiji would drag Ash out of bed in the morning and they would eat breakfast together. If Eiji had work, he would leave, and Ash would try to help out around the house. If Eiji didn’t have work, they would go out and enjoy the day. Ash wished he could enjoy it to the fullest but there was always a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Even though he was happy, he felt he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t know why he got Eiji in the first place and was afraid he would lose him. It was a terrifying thought. What if he woke up one day and found Eiji gone? What if he found the apartment old and shabby? What if he found old men waiting for him with lustful eyes promising an eternity of torment? Now that Ash was happy, he was hyper-aware how easily it could be removed.

On the third day in paradise, Ash managed to set a pan on fire while cooking. The fire alarm went off as the dark smoke spiraled upwards. Eiji gasped and fell out of his chair where he was cutting green peppers. Ash’s mind went on automatic and he grabbed the nearest cloth and ran it under the water for a few seconds. Then he threw it over the pan. There was a loud hiss, and the fire went out. The room filled with the smell of smoke and burnt food. Eiji wrinkled his nose and got up to shut off the fire alarm.

Ash gingerly picked up the cloth. The food was burnt and charred, beyond salvation. Ash stared hopelessly at it, his chest tightening. He had wasted food. Eiji wouldn’t be happy about this. Although it was a small thing, Ash’s mind didn’t want to let it go. Irrational thoughts started forming in his head. What if this was enough to make Eiji want to leave him? Ash had already shown too much weakness. He tried to reason with himself. Eiji told him it was alright to show emotions. This wasn’t Earth. He wasn’t going to be punished for every mistake. Perhaps it was alright to almost set a kitchen on fire. Ash watched Eiji surveyed the scorched meal. He eyed it for a moment before signing deeply.

“Well, I suppose we were due for another accident. Let’s order out.” Eiji suggested lightly. Ash felt the tightness release from his chest and he almost sighed in relief. Eiji wasn’t judging him. It was alright. Now that, that fear was out of the way, Ash started to feel ashamed. He had just wasted Eiji’s hard-earned cash. Why couldn’t he just cook like a normal person? Was he really this broken?

Ash bowed his head “Sorry.”

“Eh, it wasn’t as bad as last time,” Eiji said breezily picking up his phone. “What do you want?” he glanced over at Ash. “Something Japanese or something American?” Ash paused. He wasn’t sure if this was a question with a right answer or not. Since it was Eiji he guessed it was up to him.

“Pizza?” Ash asked tentatively. To his relief, Eiji nodded and dialed his phone. While he talked on the phone, Ash went over to the mess on the counter frowning. He didn’t know why he got an angel in the first place, but he knew he didn’t want Eiji to leave. It was pathetic how desperate he had become. When Ash was on Earth, could deflect anything someone said about him. He withstood pain and horror at the hands of Golzine. He had fought against his captors and ran a gang. When he was on Earth, he scoffed at eternal damnation, after all, it couldn’t be worse than how he was already living.

Things were so different now. He was learning what peace felt like. He now knew how it felt to be treasured and cared for. He was aware of how much he would lose if he messed this up. Ash knew he was wasting time worrying. Eventually, someone would realize their mistake and send him back to hell where he belonged. He should be steeling himself for the moment when that happened. Instead, his mind continued to be weak. Ash picked up the piece of cloth and saw a half-burnt heart still smiling up at him.

“ありがとございま” Eiji hung up and turned around. He noticed Ash staring at the cloth. “Is everything ok?”

Ash slowly turned while unfolded the singed apron. The “Hot Stuff” apron was a mess. The cake was completely unrecognizable and some of the hearts had nasty burn marks on them. Eiji eyed it.

“Did you use it to put out the fire on purpose” Eiji folded his arms. Ash paused, a new thought occurring to him. What if he was in heaven to be evaluated? What if each of his mistakes counted up against him until it became too much and he was sent to hell? If so, how many chances did he have left? Ash couldn’t tell if Eiji was serious or not about the apron.

“I didn’t,” Ash said putting it down. “It’s just coincident.”

“Hmmm.” Eiji narrowed his eyes. “I bet you set the fire to get rid of the apron.” Ash’s heart started hammering again. It looked like Eiji did care after all. Ash’s mind started quickly coming up with multiple excuses and explications.

“No, I…” Ash petered off when he saw Eiji smiling. Right, it was just a joke, of course, it was. Eiji wouldn’t lose his temper over the stupid apron. That surely didn’t count against him. Eiji didn’t even like that apron in the first place. Ash took a shaky breath. He needed to get a hold of himself. If he kept worrying about each little thing, he was bound to make a major mistake that would cost him paradise. He needed to breathe.

“Well, it’s no big loss.” Eiji chuckled lightly “I’ll make sure to buy a new apron next time they’re on sale.” An evil glint flashed in Eiji’s eyes. “I was thinking of a fun pumpkin one?”

Ash gasped at him all previous thoughts vanishing. Eiji knew his fear of pumpkins? That wasn’t good. “You wouldn’t dare.” Eiji threw the apron in the trash, laughing. The sound vibrated through Ash calming him. Eiji’s laughter always did that. There was truly no other sound as joyous and pure. Ash let it soothe him until he could smile freely along with Eiji.

On the fourth day in paradise, Ash learned that angels lacked certain things humans had such as taste buds and a sense of smell. It was the only explanation for the horror waiting for him at breakfast. Ash had entered the kitchen that morning to find a bowl of something unrecognizable sitting on the table. Ash sniffed it experimentally only to draw his head back gagging. He peered cautiously into the bowl. Inside was rice and beans covered with some sticky substance. It looked like some demonic force had just given birth to a new entity inside his bowl. Ash glanced over at Eiji who was grabbing some milk from the fridge. He wondered if someone or something had switched their breakfasts while his back was turn. Eiji’s cooking usually was amazing and Ash always looked forward to eating it. Eiji came back to the table with two glasses of milk. He put them down before sitting. He didn’t look remotely surprised to see the abomination in front of him.

Ash squinted at the angel. Eiji almost looked…joyous. He was staring at the food with an excited gleam in his eyes. Ash wondered if he was not awake enough to really see what was in from of him. Surely Eiji should be horrified or at least gagging at the smell. When Eiji did neither Ash finally asked.

“What’s this?”

“You know what it is.” Eiji rolled his eyes and picked up his chopsticks. “Or did you forget it is Natto Tuesday?” He smiled up at Ash. “I mixed yours together for you so you can’t stall this time. Now eat up! It’s good for you.”

So this was Natto. Ash remembered that Eiji had threatened him with Natto before. He eyed the bowl wondering if Eiji was joking. No one, angel, human, or devil could actually eat such foods. This must be a prank of some sort. To his horror, Eiji took a helping of the nightmare and put it in his mouth. A shiver of pleasure ran down his body as he let out a long satisfied sigh. He sat there, his eyes closed, savoring the taste. After another moment he began eating again with almost indecent enthusiasm.

Ash watched him closely. Eiji seemed to be enjoying himself. Maybe it tasted better than it looked. Things could be deceiving in heaven. Angels could look like young men and paradise could look like Japan. Ash shrugged picked some up with his chopsticks. If Eiji enjoyed it, then it couldn’t actually be that bad.

How wrong he was.

The second he closed his mouth over the food he gaged and dropped his chopsticks. The natto attacked his taste buds and threatened to upheave lunch. Ash forced himself to swallow before rushing to the sink and rinsing his mouth out with water. The water did nothing to help, it only spread the taste more evenly around his mouth. In a panic, Ash looked for something else to save him. His eyes landed on the glass of milk. Without another thought, he pounced on it and chugged it down. The relief from his agony was sweet. He sat down again as his body relaxed.

“You’re so dramatic.” Eiji chuckled. He looked like he was enjoying himself. “Natto isn’t that bad.” Ash stared at him incredulously. What kind of nonsense was this? There was no way Natto was an actual food that existent on any plain of reality. Did all angels lack taste buds or was it just Eiji? Eiji noticing his glare rolled his eyes in amusement.

“There’s some cereal in the pantry if you really don’t want to eat the natto.” He took another bite of his own and gasped in pleasure. “Though I think you should eat more. I bet if you eat enough, you’ll get used to it

Ash hesitated has suspicion started up in his mind. Was Eiji disappointed that he wasn’t going to eat the natto? The food seemed to be important to him, unlike the apron. Maybe it was a test. Maybe the food was a way to see how he would react if given something he didn’t like. Was part of a test? Was he being tested to see if he could keep living with Eiji? He had no idea how Heaven worked. Maybe he was overthinking it. Maybe he was underthinking it. Ash was so used to people using him he really couldn’t tell if it worked the same in Heaven as on Earth.

If it was a test, he wasn’t going to lose it. He was not going to hell over Natto. He had lost his purity and innocents on Earth, yet he kept soldering through. Surely eating the wretched breakfast was an easy task compared to his life back then. Taking a deep breath he faced his bowl again. Ash picked up some and swallowed it, ignoring the way his stomach clenched painfully. He took another and another.

“Ash.” Eiji reached forward and took hold of his chopsticks. “Stop. You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“You want me to eat it right?” Ask frustrated. 

“You don’t need to eat it if you don’t want to.” Eiji’s brow fullered. He looked concerned. Ash put down his chopsticks and got up. He went to the pantry and located a bag of cereal confusion still clouding his mind. If Eiji kept meaning what he said, what would happen when he stopped? Ash would start taking it for granted that he had a choice. He would fail whatever test or regulation that allowed him to have an angel in the first place. Perhaps this was hell after all. Ash had paradise in his hands but didn’t know how to keep it. He would struggle to live perfectly but fail over and over until he lost his mind and was stripped of his privileges. He was being softened up. He was being prepared for hell.

“Ash?” Eiji as Ash returned to the table. Ash looked into the deep brown eyes of his honest angel and felt despair. Eiji was wonderful. He wanted to stay here in Japan with him forever. The devil’s plan to ruin him was perfect. He couldn’t blame Eiji, nor did he want to push him away. Ash resigned himself to the fact that Eiji would leave him and he would be alone. Until then he swore to try to stop worrying and enjoy paradise.

On the fifth day, Ash’s heaven theory was shattered. He was sitting in the living room enjoying yet another Japanese translated book when Eiji came home. The second he entered the apartment Ash knew something was wrong. Instead of his tired but cheerful greetings, Eiji mumbled something halfheartedly in Japanese and stumbled through the door. He looked awful. His clothes and hair were sopping wet and his expression as dark and gloomy as the sky outside. He ignored Ash as he kicked off his shoes and dragged himself into their room. The bedroom door clicked shut, leaving an ominous silence behind. Ash stared at the closed door uncertainly. Should he follow him? Should he let Eiji be? When Eiji didn’t emerge from the room after a good ten minutes, Ash decided to check on him.

Eiji was curled up in the middle of the bed. He had changed into his nightclothes and was hugging a pillow tightly. He didn’t even look up when Ash entered the room.

“Are you alright?” Ash asked. Eiji gave a short grunt and hugged the pillow tighter Ash slowly approached him, unsure of what to do. He had never had to comfort someone before, especially not an angel.

“I met an old friend from college.” Eiji said suddenly “He was doing well… He’s a doctor now. He’s married to an engineer. They’re expecting their first child. Then he asked how I was doing… I just…felt so lame. The last time he saw me I was a big pole-vaulting star. Now look at me!” he sat up and spread his arms “I’m a simple photographer.” He gave a weak laugh. “It’s pathetic.”

Ash was lost for words. This was way out of his league. He had no idea what to say. He always dealt with tough love growing up. His father told him to deal with his own problems and Golzine would punish him if he showed weakness. If his gang complained, he would tell them to suck it up. He didn’t have time for people to whine to him. He would take care of their needs to make sure his men were safe and got shelter and food but that was the extent of it. Even little Skip, who he was fond of, knew better than to complain too much. It wasn’t that Ash wouldn’t hear him out, but he wasn’t in a position to offer any condolences. Showing weakness meant death in that world. It was better to put up a front.

Eiji was different. Eiji lived in paradise. There was no reason to put up a front here. Eiji had broken down Ash’s defenses and showed him it was alright to cry. Suddenly Ash wanted to do that same. He desperately wanted to reach out to him. Ash sat down next to Eiji and took a deep breath.

“Who cares what he’s doing? You guys live different lives.” Ash silently cursed himself. His voice sounded rough and cold to his own ears. He tried again softer “You like your job, right?”

“But I can’t help but feel I’m holding _you_ back. You deserve an Olympus Pole Vaulter, not a second-rate photographer. Why did you choose me?”

“What?” Ash stared at him, his mind trying to wrap around his words. Eiji had been nothing short of a miracle since Ash got there. He made this place into a paradise; Ash couldn’t imagine it getting better than this.

“I don’t deserve anything” all Ash’s crimes flashed through his brain. “Especially not you.”

Eiji shook his head but didn’t say anything. Ash looked helplessly around. He really didn’t know what to do. Fighting was easy. Putting up walls were easy. Comforting an angel? He knew he had to do something, anything to get Eiji’s mind off of this. If his men had low morale, he would take them drinking. Drinking didn’t seem like a good solution but maybe another distraction.

“Let’s watch a movie.” Ash got up. “I’ll make popcorn. You choose what we watch.” Maybe he was just avoiding Eiji’s pain. Maybe he should talk about it, but he really didn’t know Eiji that well. They came from different worlds. Eiji came from peace and normality and Ash came from violence and death. Communication would probably fail.

When Ash got back to the living room with a big bowl of popcorn, Eiji was waiting for him with a DVD of some Japanese movie. It was an action flick about a guy trying to save his family. Eiji had put on subtitles so Ash could follow along. Ash didn’t watch much of the movie though. His mind had wandered to Eiji. His husband’s breakdown did not fit the heaven theory. Eiji had insecurities and needed comforting. Angels were supposed to be perfect right? As hard as it was to fathom, Eiji was human.

_Why did you choose me?_

What did Eiji mean by that? Didn’t Eiji choose Ash? What situation would lead Ash to have a choice in anything as important as finding a spouse? The two characters on screen were having an epic battle but Ash was barely paying attention. If this wasn’t heaven, then where the hell, was he? Who or what the hell was Eiji? How did he get here? What did it mean? Who was behind it? Even though he was relieved that there wasn’t a higher power deciding whether or not he got to stay with Eiji, it also meant he was back to square one... Ash wanted to scream in frustration. Instead, he forced himself to calm down. Right now he needed Eiji to feel better. He could try to figure this out later.

On the sixth day, Ash had a nightmare. It had started off innocent enough. Little Ash had gone to the beach with Griff. He was playing in the water while Griff set up their blanket and picnic basket. The seaweed ticked little Ash’s feet and he giggled. Suddenly the seaweed tangled around his feet. Ash gasped and tried to break free. He couldn’t see below the surface of the inky water. He cried for help but when he looked to the shore, Griff was gone. The seaweed yanked him below the surface. Ash took one more breath of air before he was submerged in the shadowy depths. He could barely see anything. The light above was getting dimmer the lower he sunk. He was suffocating. He couldn’t escape. He again tried to free his legs and found that what was holding him wasn’t seaweed.

They were hands. Clammy men’s hands dragging him along. More were rising up from the shadows and joining the other hands. Ash tried to break free and suddenly he hit a glass wall. He was looking out in a store display. A price tag hanging around his arm. Men were eyeing his tag, hunger in their eyes. Golzine was buying him from his father.

Then there was a bed. The men were back again surrounding the bed, towering over him as he cowered and shook. The hands were reaching, grabbing him. The men were laughing. Their eyes glowed with desire. They were beasts. The hands felt cold and clammy. He was shrinking in their grasp. He was falling. He wanted to scream but no sound left his lips. The hands were holding him down. They were squeezing him.

Ash woke up gasping for breath. He could still feel the hands pinning him to the bed. He could still hear their jeers and laughter echoing through his head. The shadows seemed to be pressing in still. One looked like Golzine, dark and twisted. The Golzine shadow stared coolly down at Ash, reminding him that he owned him. The chains on his arms and legs made it so he couldn’t move. The hands made it so he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stop them. His mind tried to grasp at reality. He was awake, right? Shouldn’t it all go away? He tried to struggle. Golzine laughed harshly.

“Ash?” Eiji’s voice cut through the darkness. Ash’s eyes flickered towards the voice. He wanted to reach out. He needed help. He didn’t want to be alone with the shadows. He tried to open his lips but they wouldn’t move. The hands continued to come. He couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t stop them.

“Ash are you awake?” A new shadow was looming over him, Eiji’s. It eclipsed Golzine’s. He wanted to scream. He wanted to be pulled out of this mess. Golzine sneered from behind Eiji. He told him it was what he deserved for all his crimes. He was a murder. He was just paying the price.

Then suddenly Ash could move again. Curling his legs up to his torso he gasps, trying to fill his heavy lungs with much-needed air. The shadows were still there. They laughed as he struggled to breathe, pressed down on his chest.

“Ash calm down!” Eiji’s voice rang out over the laughter. “It’s just a nightmare.”

“I…I…I couldn’t move.” Ash gasped. The hands were pressing too tight. More of them were emerging from the shadows. Ash closed his eyes for a moment begging his mind to release him from his lingering dreams.

“It was probably sleep paralysis.” Eiji leaned it. “Ash listens to my voice. You need to breathe. Breath in slowly…..now breath out slowly.” Ash tried to listen through the men’s laughter. He sucked in a slow stream of air. “Breath in….Breath out….Breath in…breath out…” If Ash concentered really hard, he could hear and follow Eiji’s commands. The hand reluctantly let go of him and his chest expanded. Ash began to shake uncontrollably. The hands were still there. Golzine was still there. The breathing exercise had only temporarily stalled them. They were already starting to creep back, reaching for his arms and legs.

“Ash, can I hold you?” Eiji’s words took a long time to sink through Ash’s muddled brain. Hug him? He didn’t feel like it mattered. The men had already polluting him. His body was tarnished. Who cares if someone else touched it?

_Eiji won’t touch you if you don’t want to be touched._

But he wanted to be held. He wanted to be told it was alright. He was sick of waking up and dealing with this alone. He was sick of his half wake panic mind conjuring up shadows and memories even after he woke from his dreams. Nodding mutely he sat up slowly. Ash tried not to tense as a pair of arms emerged from the darkness and wrapped around him. Like the last time, Eiji’s touched did not stray. He pulled him closed and laid Ash’s head on his chest. The sound of Eiji’s heartbeat filled Ash’s ears. The warmth of Eiji’s arm enveloped him.

The shadows were angry. They roared and demanded that Eiji return Ash to them. Their arms sneaked closer trying to grab at him. They wanted to touch him, to own him, to control him, but now there was something blocking them. Eiji arms were a secure shelter. They formed a barrier that held Ash above the sea of suffocating darkness and away from the lustful hands. Golzine’s voice growled at him that he was his property. He accused Ash of looking for comfort when he was a criminal. The other voices began chanting “whore, murder, trash, filth”. Ash pushed his head against Eiji’s chest, trembling. Eiji's heartbeat thumped rhythmically, slowly drowning out the chant. It promises forgiveness and redemption. Soon the shadows started giving up and slithered back onto the walls. Golzine was the last to leave. He glared back at Eiji before slinking into the shadow of a large tree outside.

Ash’s breath slowed as the panic subsided. His shaking ceased and he was able to think clearly. He was safe here. Nothing could hurt him. He wasn’t in New York. He wasn’t in their grasps. He was in Japan with Eiji. He was protected. He was treasured. He was human. As his mind continued to wake and he gained control over his thoughts again, he became aware he was clinging to Eiji’s shirt. He let go but didn’t pull away. Instead, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply, leaning farther into Eiji’s embraces. Maybe Eiji wasn’t a real angel but he was an angel to Ash.

On the seventh day, Ash hears it. There was another voice in his head. It called his name as he was getting ready to go for a walk with Eiji. Ash paused in buttoning up his coat and concentrated on it. As he did it got closer. He became aware that it was his own voice. At the same time he became aware that if he kept on listening to it, he would be sent home. Ash’s heart started hammering. He could go back. This was his chance. He could leave and return to New York.

Last night flashed through his head. The shadow’s, his nightmares, Eiji’s comforting arms. Then more memories of the week. Cooking, laughing, talking, and walking with Eiji. Sharing a nice apartment together. Could he really lose all that? He wondered if he really wanted to leave. Staying meant facing the uncertainty of his situation and the truth that Eiji could leave at any moment. Going back meant facing each day ready for battle. Going back also meant having men look at him with lust in their eyes. It meant having to deal with Golzine. It meant waking up alone and dealing with the nightmares. Going back meant it was not ok to cry anymore.

Ash couldn’t do it, but he knew he had to. He had work to do. It was all fine and well when he thought he couldn’t return but now facing reality he knew he couldn’t leave his gang out in the cold. He knew he couldn’t actually let Griff waste away or Golzine win. He knew he had to go back.

Ash grimaced. He knew he had to leave… but did he have to leave now? Would it hurt if he stayed here a little while longer? Would it matter if he took a few more days of normality before entering hell again? Perhaps it was alright to stay for a few days.

_“Give me another week.”_ He begged the voice. He wanted longer. Once he got his fill of Eiji, this apartment, and the feeling of safety, he would willingly go back. The little voice ignored his pleas as it kept calling out.

“Ash ready to go?” Eiji peaked his head around the corner of the hall. Ash pushed the little voice back and focused on reality. He would deal with it later.

“Yeah,” Ash said heading towards Eiji. “I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnd that's it. What will Ash do now that he knows he can return? If you would like please leave a review or Kudo. They always make my day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, here's the next chapter! I hope you enjoy it. Thank you once again for all the amazing comments. You guys are amazing!   
> Anyways, on to the story!

For the next few days, Ash did his best to ignore the voice in his head. It was getting increasingly difficult. With each passing hour, the voice became angry and louder. It roared against his eardrums and beat against his forehead, giving him a massive headache. Between his own guilt and the voice, he was slowly losing his mind. To make matters worse he still didn’t know where he was or how he got there. If he knew that maybe he could try to convince the voice to let him stay longer. Ash’s new theory was that he either magically replaced Eiji’s current husband or magically tricked everyone into thinking he was Eiji’s husband when Eiji was single. He wasn’t sure which was worse. One would mean that Ash was stealing Eiji’s time when he deserved to use it to love his own husband. If Eiji wasn’t married it meant that Ash was forcing Eiji to believe he was stuck with a criminal like him. It was a depressing thought. Ash soon found himself overcome by gloom.

Like the angel Eiji was, he noticed something off two days after the voice stated in Ash’s head. He didn’t confront Ash until he got home from work. When Eiji arrived in the kitchen looking serious, Ash knew they were going to have a talk.

“Ok Ash what’s going on?” Eiji folded his hands in his lap. “Since last week you’ve been acting strange. I know you’re going through a really bad relapse but if there is something else going on please tell me.”

“What do you mean?” Ash’s heart was hammering. What did Eiji know?

“I mean.” Eiji seemed to be struggling with words. “You seem really…out of it. You forget basic things. You’ve stopped trying to learn Japanese. Mrs. Tamanaka said you haven’t been by to try to chat with her at all. I’ve been trying to give you space but you’ve gotten worst.” He peered into Ash’s eyes. “I’m worried Ash. I don’t know what happened. Did someone you know contact you? Did someone try to hurt you?” His eyes got wide. “Did someone try to touch you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Ash waved his hand quickly. “It’s….It’s….” What was he going to say?

_It’s just that I’m not supposed to be here. I know you think we’re married but I’m actually a criminal from American. Something weird happened and now I either replacing your loving husband or tricking you into thinking we’re married. There’s a little voice in my head telling me to return to my life of crime but I’m ignoring it for a couple of days longer. I’d rather stay here, and have you spoil me before I go back to killing and leading my gang._

Yeah, that would go over well. Eiji would think he went crazy. If Eiji actually believed him however that would be worse. Ash was terrified that Eiji’s soft eyes would fill with fear and disgust and he would demand Ash to leave. He wasn’t sure what “dark past,” Eiji thought he had but it couldn’t be as bad as Ash’s real history. If it was, Eiji wouldn’t be so kind to him. That’s why Ash decided to not say anything at all to him. It would be best just to keep this to himself until he disappears for good.

“It’s just a relapse. I promise I’ll be better by the end of the week.” Ash finished lamely. By the end of the week, Ash would be gone. Then everything in Eiji’s life would go back to normal.

Eiji squinted at him, clearly sensing there was more. After a moment, however, he signed and his shoulders drooped.

“If you say so, but if this gets worse please tell me.” Eiji raised a hand like he wanted to touch Ash’s face before dropping it again.

“Alright, I’ll do that.” Something about Eiji’s actions bothered Ash. Since coming here Eiji always looked like wanted to reach out to touch him but was restraining himself. What did he want to do with Ash?

It took Ash a few minutes before realizing the obvious. If Eiji thought, they were in a relationship he might be wanting to kiss or hug or do something more intimate with Ash. He was probably holding himself back because of Ash’s “relapse”. Guilt flooded Ash’s stomach. He was preventing Eiji from enjoying a loving relationship because _he_ wanted to bask in Eiji’s light for a few more days. What right did Ash have to hold back an angel like this?

“Ok then.” Eiji’s voice was quiet. “I guess we should start making dinner.” He forced a smile.

“Ok.” Ash didn’t know what else to say. The full extent of what he was keeping from Eiji made him feel disgusted. Eiji deserved better. He didn’t deserve to suffer like this.

By the next day, Ash knew he couldn’t keep on like this. He really didn’t belong here. The voice in his head knew it. His guilt knew it. Ash himself knew it. As he lay in bed that morning, he decided this would be his last day. It was the only way to stop being a burden on Eiji. Ash’s mind started panicking at the thought of returning so soon. He crushed the thoughts and pulled up his walls. Enough was enough. Ash would enjoy one more day of paradise then leave forever.

“You’re all smiles this morning.” Eiji grinned mischievously as Ash sat down for breakfast. “I knew I would make a morning person out of you.”

“Don’t get used to it.” Ash waved a fork of eggs in Eiji’s general direction. “Just because I’m happy today doesn’t mean that I want to wake up at an ungodly hour every single morning.” He chomped on the eggs, enough Eiji laugher.

“Ah yes, 8:30; a god-awful time to be awake. I’m sure _no one_ gets up that early.”

Ash thought about it for a second. “Old people do I suppose. How old are you again? 70? 80? You’re getting up in the years grandpa”

Eiji rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to hear that from a young whippersnapper like you.” He huffed. “The youth these days. You have no respect! In my day I had to wake up at the crack of dawn each morning!”

Ash nearly choked on his eggs from laughter. Eiji chuckled along as he began collecting his work items.

“I’ll be back a little late tonight.” He said slipping into his coat. “There’s food in the fridge for lunch _and_ dinner so eat that if I’m not back.”

“Have fun.” Ash stretched luxuriously eyeing the weather outside. Freezing rain pattered against the window. “I’ll just spend the day here, warm and curled up with a nice book.” Eiji glanced out the window before shooting Ash the skink eye and stuck out his tough. Ash grinned cheekily and blew him a kiss as Eiji opened his umbrella and stepped outside. Once Eiji was gone Ash let his girl fall. When Eiji returned that evening it would be the last time he saw him. Gloomily Ash finished his meal and sat back. It had been another amazing meal, but he couldn’t really enjoy it to its fullest. He would try to enjoy lunch better. Everything Eiji cooked was a miracle. Everything Eiji did was a miracle. Ash suddenly had the urge to do something nice for him.

With only hours, left Ash wanted to show Eiji his appreciation. Even if Eiji, didn’t remember him, Ash wanted to leave something behind. No one had ever treated him like this before. For a little while, Ash had felt clean. He doubted he would ever see Eiji again after he left. Ash tried to squash the painful squirm that protested at that thought. He knew this couldn’t last. To keep his mind in the present, he tried to think up ways to pay Eiji back. Cooking was out of the question. It would do more harm than good and poisoning someone wasn’t a great farewell gift. He could clean the apartment, but it wasn’t that dirty. Eiji kept the place fairly neat and over the weekend they had both did some deep cleaning.

Ash sighed and leaned back in his chair. Despite his gang’s and Golzine’s praises on how special and talented he was, Ash found himself stuck. Nothing he could do would make a good gift for Eiji. His talents were things useless things like killing, strategizing, and seducing. Eiji wouldn’t appreciate the first one or the third one and Ash had no idea how strategizing could help him either. If Ash had a talent such as writing or drawing, he would make Eiji something special. He wished he thought to try to make some money while he was here, that way he could have bought Eiji a gift. Even if the school he worked out wasn’t in season, he was sure he could find another way to make money, after all, he was still good looking. Someone surely would have taken interest in him. Unfortunately, it was too late for that now.

“Damn it,” Ash growled sitting up. His mind was pulling up a blank. Nothing he did was good enough. His hands were only for killing not for helping. It was frustrating. Eiji had done nothing but give and now Ash couldn’t even give back. As he continued to ponder over his predicament the voice decided to choose this moment to get louder. Ash tried to push it back, but the voice just kept growing.

Ash let out a gasp of pain. The voice was rattling his skull and caused his vision to blur. It blocked out every other sound and Ash tried to cover his ears, desperate for it to leave. As he stumbled to his feet, he found that his legs were numb and he couldn’t feel his body anymore. Everything was wanky. His hands were too far away and the table was too close. The room seemed to be spinning and the ground was rushing up to meet him.

“Ash!”

There was a voice calling his name

“Ash please wake up!”

It wasn’t the voice in his head though, it was a beautiful angelic voice, full of love and concern.

“ASH!”

Ash didn’t want to open his eyes, but he didn’t want the voice to suffering. Against his better judgment, he pried open his throbbing eyelids. The world was too bright, and it pounded against his eyes. His head responded by throbbing painfully in protest. As his vision cleared, he saw who was calling him.

“Eiji.”

Eiji’s pale face peered down at him. He lay a gentle hand on Ash’s forehead. Ash closed his eyes at the contact. Eiji must have just come back home. His hand was still cold and wet from the rain outside. It felt so incredibly good. 

“You’re burning up.” Eiji removed his hand and pulled Ash onto his lap. “Can you stand?” Ash hesitated. He hated the idea of being a burden, but he really didn’t think he could move on his own at this moment. Biting his lip he shook his head. Pain shot up through it and he winced.

Eiji grimaced. “Alright hang on.” Without another word, Eiji tucked his arms under Ash’s body and scooped him up. Ash had just enough energy to marvel at how strong Eiji was. It was nice in his arms. They felt safe and secure. Ash rocked slightly as Eiji padded across the floor to the bedroom. The sound of Eiji’s footsteps began lulling Ash back to sleep. As he drifted, Ash found himself thinking that if this really was his life, he would marry Eiji all over again. His last thought was that Eiji’s real husband was one lucky man.

When he next woke, he was in a dark room. Someone was dabbing a wet cloth against his forehead. It felt nice. Ash let out a sigh and his nose filled with the smell of warm chicken soup. His stomach growled hungrily and Eiji looked over at him.

“You’re awake.” Eiji stepped back. “Can you sit up? You should try to eat something.” Ash blearily dragged his body to a sitting position. It hurt his head but not as much as earlier. Eiji watched him and, after deciding he wouldn’t topple over, handed him a spoon. Ash shakily took it and eat some. The taste filled his mouth, and he closed his eyes. When he was sick in the past, Golzine always gave him the best foods. He rarely enjoyed it. All the food was tasteless and made his stomach churn. He would force it down in the hopes that he would recover quickly and be able to return to the streets. This however was different. The soup filled his mouth and ran down his throat, gentle and warm. Ash let out a long breath and opened his eyes.

“What time is it?”

“Around 2 in the afternoon,” Eiji said casually sitting back. Ash squinted at him confusedly.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I took the day off. I’m so glad I forgot my bag or else I wouldn’t have found you unconscious on the floor. Who knows how long you would have been lying there?” Eiji looked pained at the thought.

Ash put down the spoon his stomach clenching painfully. Eiji had stayed home from work to take care of him. Instead of repaying Eiji liked he wanted to him just put more work on him. He didn’t deserve Eiji. No more excuse, it was time to go home.

“Ash you should eat more.” Eiji nudged the bowl toward him. Ash shook his head and pushed the bowl away.

“Eiji, can you hug me.” It was a selfish request, but he wanted to be held one more time. Just one more gentle moment before he was flung back into chaos until he eventually died and went to hell. Eiji frowned slightly but still leaned in. Ash tucked his head against Eiji’s chest and tried to memorize this moment. He wanted to internalize the gentle feeling of Eiji’s touch. He wanted to remember the sound of his heart heartbeat. He never wanted to forget any of this, Eiji’s warmth, his breath, his smile. When he felt that the memory was imprinted in his heart he reluctantly pulled away.

“Eiji there’s something I need to tell you.” His decision to tell Eiji the truth came out of nowhere, but it felt like the right thing to do. This was Ash’s parting gift. Even if Eiji hated him it wouldn’t matter. Ash would be out of his life soon enough.

“What is it?” Eiji pulled away scanning Ash’s face.

Ash took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I’m not really your husband.”

“What?” Whatever Eiji was expecting this wasn’t it.

“I’m a murder Eiji and a whore….I’m a criminal. I have blood on my hands. I just woke up here and I don’t belong here. I belong in hell. I’m a horrible person Eiji.” With each word, Ash felt like he was waking up from a dream. Of course, that was what he was. Saying it out loud made him remember vividly all his crimes.

Eiji was staring at him his eyes aflame. Ash felt a twinge of sadness. Eiji looked angry. It was the first time he made this expression. Ash bowed his head ready to be thrown out of the apartment into the freezing rain. He had done it. He had finally driven Eiji away from him.

“Ash look at me.” Eiji’s voice was firm. Ash forced his face up fighting to keep his face neutral. No matter how much it hurt this was what he deserved.

“I know this relapse has been really hard, for you but I need you to listen to me.” Eiji leaned in closer “Even if you don’t believe it yourself try to believe me. You are NOT a murder or a whore. All your crimes; all the blood on your hands, were not your fault. It was the people who tried to crush you. “His eyes flashed with passion. “You are the victim here not the culprit. More importantly You. _Are_. My. Husband.” He punctuated each word. “You are my Ash Lynx, my Aslan Jade Callenreese, my dawn. I will never leave you. The only way we’d _ever_ stop being married is if _you_ decided you didn’t love me anymore.” A flash of uncertainty passed through Eiji’s eyes before he shook his head “But if you do love me then I will be yours forever. My soul is always with you.”

Ash wanted to believe him so badly. He would give anything, do anything to really be Eiji’s husband. He wanted all those words to be true. He wanted to hear that he wasn’t broken. He wanted to be loved even though he did so many bad things. He wanted Eiji to stay by his side. He wanted the world Eiji had created for them but….but he knew it was fake. Whatever supernational intervention had put a story in Eiji’s mind it wasn’t true. Eiji probably had a real husband waiting for him.

For a moment he let himself believe that someone actually said those things about him without any weird voodoo involved. For a moment he let himself be Eiji’s husband. Ash took those words, so pure yet so false, and buried them deep within his being. He wanted those pretty lies when he was left broken and bruised on a stranger’s bed.

“Ash you look exhausted.” Eiji’s voice was soft. Ash blinked back to reality. The fire in Eiji’s eyes was gone replaced by gentle waves of compassion. “I know this has been a tough time for you. I know you are still getting used to opening up to a therapist. I know you still sometimes forget yourself in the depths of your trauma but Ash, hang in there. The relapse will pass. Things will be alright again.”

Ash wanted to cry out. He wanted to say how content he was with Eiji. Instead, he just nodded mutely and snuggled back into his blankets. Eiji smiled down at him.

“ I’ll come back later to check on you. If you need anything just call” Eiji waited for Ash to nodded again before picking up the bowl of soup and leaving.

As the door shut closed Ash knew that was the last time, he was going to see Eiji. For the first time that reality didn’t hurt as bad. It still caused his chest to clench but with Eiji’s words in his heart, the pain was soothed. Ash had wanted to tell Eiji the truth as a parting gift but instead, Eiji was the one who gave him a gift. The gift was a lie spoken with so much love and passion that he couldn’t help but want to believe it was true. Ash could go to back hell know that for a moment someone cared about him. Eiji would forget and that would be alright. Everything would be alright.

Still a small part of his mind was still agitated. It wanted to call Eiji back one more time. It complained that it didn’t get enough of Eiji and his words. It begged for one more hug, one more smile. Ash snorted and pushed it down instead, concentrating on that small voice in his mind. Through the whole exchange with Eiji, it had been surprisingly quiet. Now however it started to get louder. It was getting closer to him. Soon it felt like someone was approaching him……….

It was pitch black. Ash wasn’t sure where he was. One moment he was in Eiji’s room, next, he was in inky nothingness. Ash wasn’t even sure if he was physically here. He couldn’t feel his body He couldn’t move or breathe. For some reason, he knew he didn’t need air. He didn’t need movement or food here. Here was just a conscience in nothingness. It took him a few seconds of adjusting before he realized there was someone else with him in the nothingness. Before he had time to panic, he realized that the other someone felt familiar. As Ash analyzed it, he realized it was himself.

_About time you arrived._

Through the darkness annoyance emulated from the nothingness where his other self was. He felt the voice in his mind, soundlessness.

“Who are you?” he asked or thought. He wasn’t sure which one. It didn’t really matter though.

_Since I woke up in New York City in my 16-year-old self’s body, I’m going to guess that I’m you from the future. You took your sweet time reaching out to me. What took you so long? I was starting to think my other theories of being drugged or going to hell were accurate. I don’t remember being that complacent when I was your age. I was sure my 16-year-old self would be fighting tooth and claw to get back._

“I did want to come back!” Ash protected. As he did so a wave of guilt and shame wafted from him. He knew his older self felt it.

_Really? Then why did you ignore my call? I’ve been calling you for two days!_

“You’ve been calling me all week.”

Surprise oozed through the darkness before being replaced by thoughtfulness. After a few seconds, his future self thought/spoke.

_Time must moves differently. I’ve only been in your timeline for three days._

If his future self could shrug, Ash knew he would. Ash sent a scowl through the darkness. His future self sent back laughter.

“It was two weeks for me.”

The laughter stopped abruptly followed by shock.

_Two weeks? That meant you were there a week before I even contacted you. Why did you wait that long? Didn’t you want to come back?_

“I wanted to go back…” It sounded weak and pleading to Ash. “I mean I did at first, but that week was…it was amazing… and then… I didn’t think I could return so I was just enjoying it…I kind of felt relieved. Then I heard your voice, and I was going to return, just not right away. I wanted to wait a little longer. That place was paradise” He sounded like a child. His sulkiness and petulant traveled through the darkness. His future self sighed.

_So you wanted to stay because Eiji was pampering you._

Annoyance rolled over Ash from his future self.

“It wasn’t only that! I just enjoyed….well everything….” He peered off not sure what else to say. He felt his future self roll his eyes again.

_Don’t try to explain it I know. How do you think I felt going to sleep in paradise and waking up in hell?_

There was a pause and concern suddenly emanated from his future self.

_Please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid there. I better come back to find Eiji happy and healthy. If he’s in the hospital or is upset…._

His future self petered off clearly not sure how to threaten his past self. Instead, he sent a growl over followed by a wave of protectiveness.

“You’re one to talk!” Ash sent his protest over. “You managed to hospitalize him multiple times!”

A begrudge acknowledgment seeped out of his future self.

_Did you at least explain everything properly?_

“I did explain but he didn’t believe me.”

_That doesn’t sound like Eiji. When and what did you exactly say?_

Ash felt his future self’s suspicion.

“I told him on my last day here. I explained that I wasn’t his husband…because at the time I didn’t think I was... and that I was a killer.”

_Oh, past self._

His future self was annoyed again.

_You managed to mess this up so badly. Of course, he wasn’t going to believe you! If you explained your confusion right away, he would have helped you figure everything out. Since you waited, he probably thought you were going through a really bad relapse. Blurting out your crimes was also a terrible way to go about it. Eiji is adamant that we’re innocent. He would just jump to your defense. That was dumb and cruel of you to push all that onto him at the last moment._

His future self was very displeased. It oozed from him and made Ash squirm in shame. Eiji didn’t deserve to be put through that. He really shouldn’t have needed to deal with him at all….

_Eiji chose to deal with us. You shouldn’t feel ashamed about that. I just wish you didn’t burden him more than I’ve already had._

The voice sent gentle vibes through their connection. Ash tried to push them away. He didn’t need comfort from his future self. They both knew they were terrible people. Ash should never have burdened Eiji in the first place. His future self must have felt his feelings because he sighed.

_Was I really this angsty when I was sixteen? I guess therapy really does help. Eiji was right. Damn he never going to let me live this down._

Annoyance and love hit Ash in waves. Ash sent a smile back, his mind on what future Ash had said. So in the future Ash went to therapy. He guessed it was Eiji’s doing since he knew he would never talk to a stranger willingly. He really must have changed in the future…

In the future….

“Wait a minute! You’re from the future?”

It was quiet for a moment.

_That was literally the first thing I said. I KNOW I wasn’t this stupid when I was sixteen._

“I know what you said!” Ash sent his irritation over. “It just took me a while to…fully comprehend it.” Now that he said it, he really did sound stupid, but the feeling didn’t last long. The fact that he really was Eiji’s husband overpowered any other thought. That was really his life. He was going to live in paradise. Eiji’s words came floating back to him. His passionate declaration that Ash wasn’t a criminal. His statement about how Ash was innocent. His loving proclamation about how Ash was his husband. Eiji had told Ash that he was his; that he would stay by his side….and he meant every word of it. He was talking about Ash and Ash alone.

Pure joy emanated from him. If he could, he would be crying now. Instead, he thought/said

“Eiji is real….Eiji is my husband”

_Will be your husband._

Love and joy wafted from his future self.

“I’m going to live with Eiji.” Excitement and hope poured from his end of nothingness. “I can actually meet him.”

_Yes._

Pride and love gushed through his future self’s connection

_My husband is the best. He’s my moon, my guiding force. There is no one as gentle, understanding, funny, witty, stubborn, or talented as him. Have you seen any of the photos he’s taken?_

“No.” Ash regrated now that he never paid more attention to Eiji’s job.

_He has talent. He can make New York City look beautiful. He can make you look human. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. He’s always too hard on himself._

A conversation he had with Eiji flashed through Ash’s mind. “Eiji had a break down a few days ago. He met someone from his past and it made him feel insecure about his photos and…um unworthy of our love.” The thought even after so long was ridiculous.

Sadness and horror wafted over from his future self, followed by regret.

_That happens sometimes. Eiji can be insecure. I wish I was there. I know I was bad at comforting others at your age_

“Sorry.” Ash’s shame oozed out of him. “I wasn’t sure what to do. I just put on a movie and hoped it would help.”

_That wasn’t too bad. Good job._

“I actually thought Eiji was a real angel until that point. Eiji had to be human…I mean he’s still _my_ angel but he’s not a magnification of all goodness and light or whatever angels are supposed to be.

_Multiwinged eye covered fireballs of power and might. Trust me biblical angels are actually quite terrifying. You’d know if you met one….but you are right about one thing. Eiji is still our angel. Just wait until you see him fly!_

“Eiji can flight?” If Ash had a heart it would be pounding. As it was his excitement traveled through the darkness. His future self chuckled.

_Only once. He pole-vaulted over a wall. It was amazing. I never saw someone fly like that. At that moment I knew I would do anything for him._

Ash listened, his excitement rising. Eiji was real. He was going to meet Eiji. He was going to see Eiji fly. “Everything will be alright then.”

There was a pause. Sadness and grief slammed against him from across the nothingness. It felt so heavy that if Ash was somewhere, he would be sinking.

_Yes but not for a while. Even after meeting him things are going to get bad…really bad. You’re going to lose a lot….You’re going to lose……. You’re going to lose…._

Whatever he wanted to say was too hard for his future self. After a few more waves of grief, his future self got a hold of his emotions.

_Never mind. I doubt telling you now is going to change anything anyway. I don’t remember this conversation with you or going to the future. You’ll probably just forget about all this when you return._

“I won’t” Ash sent his determination over. He wasn’t just going to forget all this. He would hang on to these memories at any cost.

_Perhaps_

His future self oozed with pessimistic energy.

_If you do remember something, even if it’s just a feeling, remember this. Hang in there. Things will get better. The future you saw is achievable. You will find peace in Eiji’s arms. Just wait for him and fight with him and never let him go. Don’t give up at the library even if you think it’s for the best. Just keep fighting a while longer. Eiji will be waiting for you. His soul is with you after all._

Ash remembered Eiji saying the same thing right before he left. He wondered what those words meant. Before he could ask another wave of sadness hit him.

_There is so much more I could tell you, but I don’t have time. There are so many warnings I could give you, but I have a feeling it won’t change anything. Just leave with positive energy now._

Ash could feel himself sinking. He wanted to ask more questions. He wanted to know what was making his future self so sad. He wanted to know more about Eiji. When was he going to meet him? Where was he going to meet him? How long would it take? His future self must have felt his questions because he sent a small chuckle over.

_You’ll see._

With that, the connection suddenly broke. Ash was fading from the nothings, falling into something. For one second, he glimpsed Eiji returning to the room with a new washcloth before that faded as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! Ash is now back in his own timeline. There is only one chapter left (and to think I actually thought this was going to be a one-shot). If you enjoyed it or really had any thought/opion/anything else feel free to leave a comment or a Kudo.
> 
> Until next time!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here's the last chapter. Thanks for sticking with me through this story. Frankly, I didn't expect it to be this long. Anywho on to the story!

He could feel a bed under him. It wasn’t as comfortable as the one in Japan. The smell of sweat, cigarettes, and dirt filled his nose. The sounds of cars honking outside and the mumbles of multiple voices surrounded him. Even without opening his eyes, he knew.

He was back.

“Boss!”

A cry of shock and relief echoed around the room as Ash sat up. He was at his base, lying in a moldy old bed. The place looked more run-down than he remembered. Was the wallpaper always that torn? Was there always that lingering smell of decay and trash in the air? Was the lighting always this bad? He had gotten used to the clean apartment in Japan that he had forgotten what his reality looked like. Ash pulled off the blankets and turned to face his gang. They were watching him uncertainty. Alex was standing the closes, or at least as close as he dared to get when Ash had only just woken up. His gang had learned from experience that getting to close lead to disasters. Ash took a few seconds to rearrange his face and make sure all his emotions were under lock and key. He wouldn’t look disappointed. They needed a strong leader.

Nodding his head, he gave his gang permission to approach. They scurried forward. Ash looked into their faces as they waited to see if he was alright and found himself missing Eiji. Ash pushed that thought away. Now that he was back, he needed to become a leader again. If he wanted to leave here alive and meet Eiji, he would have to do better in order to survive.

“Boss?” Alex stepped up next to him. “How are you feeling?” Ash considered him for a moment.

“Fine. What day is it?”

“It’s the 18th.”

Ash mentally did the calculations. It seemed like his future self was telling the truth. While he got almost two weeks in Japan, his future self was only here for three days.

“I’ve been gone for three days.” He mused. His gang shot each other looks. Ash could sense their concern. He narrowed his eyes. Something was wrong.

“What happened in the last few days?” his cool tone caused a few men to shrink back. “You don’t remember?” Alex asked nervously.

“No, enlighten me.” Ash wondered what his future self did. He was Ash so he should know how to run the gang. Perhaps he had been in paradise for too long and forgot how things were back in his teen years. The thought would have irritated Ash if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be him in paradise in a few years. A spark of warmth ran through his chest at that thought. He couldn’t wait until that became normality.

“You were…out of it,” Alex said bring Ash back to reality. “When you first woke you didn’t remember anything. You kept asking if this was a joke.”

Ash sympathizes with his future self. He was just as confused as Ash was when he woke up in Japan. Of course, Ash got it easy. He woke up in paradise while his past self woke up in hell.

“Then you got agitated and started muttering that you were back in hell.” Alex didn’t look like he wanted to continue. “You wanted us to find a guy named….Edgy? Eddy? When we told you we didn’t know who that was you got angry.”

Ash’s pity deepened. His future self must have been devastated to find himself back in a world where no one knew Eiji.

“After that….” Alex glanced back at the other guys “Well Shorter will be here in a moment to explain. He was with you that first day and through….most of it.”

Ash’s pity disappeared replaced by dread. Most of what? What did he do? He hoped it wasn’t anything that would jeopardize him or his men. Before he could ask, the door banged open, and Shorter lunged in. He stopped when he saw Ash.

“Soooo.” He said slowly approaching. “Are you, you know, back to normal.”

“Yep, I’m back,” Ash said and Shorter visibly relaxed. “What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” When Ash shook his head Shorter sighed and flopped back into a nearby chair. “Man you must have hit your head hard.”

“What happened?” Ash repeated.

Shorter was quiet for a second. “After you woke up, you came to find me. You were acting really…weird. You hugged me and repeated my name over and over. Then you promised that we could change things. You were all ‘It won’t end like that’ and ‘We’ll work it out.’” he glanced over at Ash. “Stuff like that. You really don’t remember?”

Ash shook his head bewildered. “What else did I say.” Maybe it would give Ash a hint of what would happen in the future.

Shorter ran a hand through his mohawk smiled apologetically. “I wasn’t really listening. We were in the middle of a neighboring gang’s territory. If someone saw you acting like a loon, it would have been bad. You don’t need more enemies because someone thought they could fight you. I just kept agreeing with you and trying to drag you away.”

Ash let out a short huff of air. Although he understood where Shorter was coming from, he wished he had listened. It really could have helped.

“What happened next?”

Shorter paused. “You got frustrated and angry. You told me I was being stubborn, and pig-headed. You told me you were trying to help. Then you grabbed my arm and shouted at me to listen to you. It was wild. When you finally calmed down...you started begging me to listen. You said it was important and you would do anything no matter what it was.” he sighed. “I had no idea what to do. I almost brought you to the hospital. I really thought something was wrong.”

Ash listened his feeling of dread growing. What on Earth happened to make his future self act this way?

“Then…. you got depressed. You said that you couldn’t change anything and that you were sorry. You just shut down. You just followed me around blankly.”

“And then I returned to this room?” Ash prayed that was all he did. Shorter shook his head.

“Nope, you got weirdly generous. You brought flowers to Dr. Meredith to give to someone. Then you bought Skip a skateboard and not a cheap one either. It was a fancy one from that expensive sport’s store downtown. He was over the moon.”

At least someone was happy. Ash didn’t want to think of how he had spent. He might have to go a few days without eating to make up for it. He wasn’t going to ask Dino for money.

“After that, you brought me out for drinks and paid for the whole thing.” Shorter grinned sheepishly. “I’ll pay you back for that. You went overboard. It was fun at first but then you got stupidly drunk and wanted to go home. When I brought you back to the base you were upset and claimed it wasn’t your home and that you wanted some dude named Eddy.”

“Did I do anything else?” Ash hoped that was it. Shorter looked back at Alex.

“Not really.” The second in command shrugged. “You stayed in here for the next two days and ran the gang. You were still off, but it wasn’t too bad. Then about an hour ago, you told us…” Alex shared a look with Bones. “that you were going to sleep and that everything would return to normal when you woke. After that, you fell asleep and well.” He gestured at Ash.

“I see.” Ash had no idea what any of this meant. Why did he act strange around Shorter? Did they get into a fight? Were they enemies? Maybe they had left on bad terms and future Ash felt bad about it. Ash wished he demanded to know more about his future. His future self was wrong, Ash still remembered everything. He hated not knowing. It left him with a feeling of foreboding and unease. He pushed it down. Right now he needed to focus on the present.

“Never mind that.” Ash got up. “I’m back now so let’s get to work. Get me some food and fill me in on what’s been going on in the last three days.” He turned to Shorter. “I caused you a lot of problems...”

“It’s cool man. I’m just glad you’re back.” Shorter patted him on the shoulder and left. His gang scrambled to do his bidding. Once he was alone, Ash allowed his face to relax. He felt drained after putting up a wall for only a couple of minutes. It would take a few days to readjust to life here. It was amazing how fast Eiji managed to tear down his walls. He missed him. Ash wondered how he was doing. Then he wondered what he was doing now at this time. A warm feeling spread across his chest as if a fire was lit in it. He just needed to wait a little longer.

Over the next few weeks, Ash kept busy planning and fighting the neighboring gang. Although it was slightly challenging at first, Ash quickly fell back into his old life. The one thing that was different was his optimism. Even after he completely adjusted, the flame still burned in his chest. It gave him hope for the future. Eiji was out there. Ash was going to meet him. He knew he was only a handful of years away from moving to Japan with Eiji. Paradise was in his reach. Everyday Ash eagerly waited for Eiji to arrive. It could happen at any point. Just the thought of seeing Eiji’s bright smile made everything more manageable.

Weeks turned to a month. Ash was starting to feel a little desperate. He knew it might take a while for Eiji to show up, but his newfound optimism was getting exhausting. The cold and uncaring world kept pressing in on him and he knew if he didn’t start shutting down, he could break. To make matters worse, Ash noticed that, with each passing day some of the smaller details of his life with Eiji faded. In the first couple of weeks, he could vividly recall the layout of the apartment and the town beyond. He could explain in great detail the smell of food cooking, the sound of Eiji humming, the feeling of chopsticks between his figures. Now he caught himself struggling to remember exactly where the bookcases were located or the exact smell of the meals Eiji would cook. This put him in a foul mood and his gang started avoiding him if they didn’t have anything urgent to say. Inside, his flame dimmed.

As a second and third month rolled by, Ash’s hope started turning into despair. The flame, which used to warm him, burned him and caused his stomach to turn. When was he going to meet Eiji? Each day felt like another weight was added on his back. It was easier to ignore the horrors of his life when he never experienced peace. Now he felt in full force what he was missing. He longed for Eiji’s warm embrace and the safety of the apartment. Even those memories however were starting to fade. When Ash tried to recall Eiji’s soft laughter he could only hear gunshots and screams. When he tried to recall the smell of homemade food, all he could smell of blood and steel. The memory of Eiji’s gentle touch was being replaced by greedy men’s hands. Ash wanted desperately to write his memories down before they faded but he was afraid to mess with time. He didn’t want to write something only for someone else to find it. It could change the future and he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize his future with Eiji. Instead, he tried to speak them out loud when he was alone in a desperate attempt to shove them into his long-term memories. He would remember. He wouldn’t forget like his future self had said he would.

By the sixth month, Ash had forgotten Eiji’s name. It had come as a shock to him. Ash was in the middle of a meeting with his gang. They were going over their next move when suddenly he realized he couldn’t remember his future husband’s name. The realization had shaken him to the core. Ash tried to recall the man’s face, but it was blurry and unfocused. All the details that used to be engraved in his mind were almost gone. Perhaps if he stayed longer than two weeks the memory would be stronger. He cursed his future self for taking him back so soon. It had taken him a few moments to realize he had stopped speaking in the middle of a sentence. His gang was watching him, uncertain of his sudden silence. He had been slightly off lately, and they didn’t know how to react. Ash ended the meeting early and returned to his room.

Desperately he tried to remember the man. His name started with a R right? Or was it a B? E? W? O? He had no idea. Sitting alone in his room he started to doubt himself. Did he actually go to the future? It had felt so real back then, but now it felt more like a dream. He had hit his head when he fell. Did he just make up those two weeks? Ash pulled at his hair and begged future Ash to contact him. He wanted another week there. He needed to restock his memories. His head remained silent. Ash’s flame sputtered and flickered.

A week after he forgot his future husband’s name the nightmares returned. He had been having nightmares for a while but after waking up he would comfort himself with the knowledge that he wouldn’t be alone forever. Back then he could still feel the protective arms wrapped around him. He had used the image to fight off his waking dream demons. He could no longer do this anymore. There weren’t enough memories to stop the shadows from seeping in. He could no longer escape his fate. Curled up, he let them do what they want. He was tainted anyway. He was never going to get out of this. It was just wishful thinking. The flame flickered and went out as the cold hands suffocated it.

By the eighth month, the memory was all but gone. He couldn’t remember what country the man came from. He didn’t even remember who the man was to him. Ash stopped looking for foreigners. He stopped looking towards the future. The candle that had burned so brightly months ago was cold and dead. He resigned himself to his life, allowing the darkness to cover his feelings. His wall blocked out the light. Behind it, he felt a sense of relief. The numbness was comforting after so much hurt and despair.

After a year had past Ash barely remember if he had any good memories or dreams since Griff left. Sometimes, on quiet days when he was alone, he would catch himself trying to recall something that was just out of his grasp. He could never remember it so he would give up. It was probably not important. Ash had better things than to daydream.

“I’m the photographer from Japan. I want to ask about your gang for a magazine article.”

Ash started bordly at the two foreigners. Charlie owed him big time for this stupid article. He really didn’t want to deal with this today. The two men looked out of place standing among the rift raft of New York City. It was clear they’ve never been to a place like this before. People like them should just continue living their sheltered lives. Ash didn’t have time to babysit.

“What do you want to know?

Both men tensed up at his words. Ash could practically hear them thinking how intense he was. The older one recovered first and asked if he could take pictures first. Ash eyed their camera for a moment before turning away.

“Not the face.” He didn’t want to deal with an interview and he really didn’t want his picture to be taken by strangers.

The interview went as well as he thought it would. The man from Japan was polite enough and Ash answered his questions, though with the least amount of words possible. The man tried to hide it, but Ash knew he was frustrated at Ash’s lack of concrete answers. The other man was more interesting. He looked like a kid but apparently, he was older than Ash. This greatly amused Ash though for some reason he wasn’t that surprised. It felt natural that the man was older. Ash didn’t dwell on his thoughts though. Who the man was, wasn’t important to him. He would be gone after this article and Ash would never see him again.

“Is that a real gun?” Ash turned at looked back at…Eiji was it? He was not expecting such a question, especially from a photographer’s assistant. Don’t they have more “important” questions to ask? Ash debated ignoring the question before saying:

“Meaning?” The man had the decency to look flustered.

“Real guns are illegal in Japan. Can I hold it?”

The bar fell silent. Ash stared at the man. This comment should set off warning bells in Ash’s mind. He should be tense ready for a fight. No one would just ask him for his gun. He should laugh in the man’s face or mock him for even asking him that. Of course, he couldn’t hold Ash’s gun. Did he think Ash was an idiot? If he had Ash’s gun, he would shoot Ash. Ash knew how this worked. This was obvious……

Yet some part of him knew that if he gave Eiji the gun nothing bad would happen. He could trust him though he didn’t know why. It was a relief to be able to trust again. Ash had no idea where these thoughts were coming from, but he had long ago learned to trust his gut feeling. Without another word he held out the gun. As he expected nothing bad happened. Even so as he took the gun back, he couldn’t help but question his feelings. How did he know Eiji was trustworthy? Why did he feel comfortable around him? What was going on? As soon as these thoughts entered his mind the feelings started to fade. Within a minute he no longer remembered exactly why he handed Eiji his gun.

The next time those strange feelings emerged it was when they were trapped by Arthur’s and Golzine’s men. Standing at a dead end, Eiji had the brilliant idea of pole vaulting over the wall. Despite Ash’s protests Eiji took his pole and backed up. It was frustrating. He was going to get himself killed. There was no way Eiji was going to make it over the wall in one piece. This was all Ash’s fault. He shouldn’t have gotten Eiji and Skip involved. Eiji started forward in a trot. Ash watched him speed up and stick the pole into the ground. To Ash’s surprise, it did hold together as Eiji rose up.

Ash watched him rise, body arching over the wall. The sun was behind him, casting a halo-like light around his small figure. Eiji looked so free up there. Nothing could touch him. No one could har him. Ash couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t look away. Eiji was flying. The photographer from Japan could fly. Ash scoffed at himself, of course, he could fly

Eiji was an angel after all.

With that thought, Ash suddenly knew everything would eventually be alright. The flame that had died months ago ignited in his chest. It burned brighter and bigger than before as he felt the warmth spread through his body. Ash would do anything to protect the man flying away. Then, for a moment Ash wasn’t in New York. He wasn’t a gang leader. He wasn’t fighting the mafia. He was in Japan with Eiji. They were married, happy. He was happy.

The sound of Eiji crashing down jolted Ash back to reality. He was suddenly back in New York City and the memories were quickly fading. Voices yelled behind them. Ash turned to face the men. Inside, his flame still burnt, though smaller than before.

It was only a small flicker, a spark in the darkness. Even so, it was suborn. It stayed there even when his tears threatened to extinguish it. It burnt even when the cold and emptiness threatened to kill it. It burnt even when the shadows tried to suffocate it. And when the time came to get on the plane it burns like a bonfire.

As the plane rose into the night and he held Eiji’s hand the memory returned one last time. He remembered his future self and all the events that happened. He knew that after this he wouldn’t remember until he met his past self. Ash’s hand tightened on Eiji’s. It was alright for him to forget now, he was safe. The worse was behind him. Now he could start down the road of recovery. It would take a while, he understood that. Even when he had talked to his future self he wasn’t completely better. Even so, it didn’t matter, he would end up in that small apartment with Eiji as his husband. Ash smiled to himself as New York City fell away.

He was heading to paradise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! Ash made it to paradise with Eiji. I hope you enjoyed the story. Feel free to leave a Kudo/review they really make my day!

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! At least for now. Ash is so suspicious of his "husband". Is he right in suspecting him or is he just not used to kindness? 
> 
> Anyways if you enjoyed the story, disliked the story, have thoughts or theories on the story, or just want to say hi, please leave a comment or a Kudo! 
> 
> Until next time!


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